Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance
Holding you, I held everything
For a moment, wasn't I a king?
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey, who's to say? You know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance
My year has been challenging. But, whose year hasn't had ups and downs? I think of other families out there struggling with the loss of a loved one. A year ago, my family was focusing on Christmas without all of the Grandparents. Little did we know, that life had one more turn for us within a month after Christmas. Losing Dad still haunts me every single day of my life. And many people tell me, it will never go away. Some days the thoughts are positive and funny stories/moments fill my head. Cleaning the shop for example, has been mixed with SO MANY EMOTIONS. I find myself laughing hysterically at things I find and stories shared by Dad's friend, Heber. Other days are dark inside my head. Little things set me off and usually I find myself removing myself from the situation to ease the grief. On those days, I replay January 21st over and over in my head. I can see everyone, hear everything, and remember those final moments. I hate that memory and hate those bad days.
Within the challenges of the year are some great moments. Hanging out more with my family, changing careers, and beginning to make a new home. It's the little moments of watching Adam with little Brad riding around on the tractor, or watching Mia make cookies and crafts with Grandma. I can't wait to be able to raise my kids where I grew up.
As we prepare for Christmas this year, I pray for so many things. I pray that within the celebration of Christ's birth, my family can find comfort in the small things. The children will keep our minds busy and entertained, but it is always the quiet times of reflection that are difficult. I pray that as Adam and I continue to construct our new home, that it be blessed with God's love. I find much comfort "moving home." I love small town life. I also pray for others around me who have lost loved ones this year. This Christmas will be difficult for them as well. As you say a prayer this holiday season thanking God for all you have, I ask that you remember those who are struggling this season with loss.
Christmas will not be the same this year. It will come with some joys and laughs, but the vacant seat at the table will be the most difficult part of the day. Be thankful for what you have because it may be gone tomorrow. Remember, you don't know when "the dance" will end.
