"Firsts"

Did you know that if you decide to post on a blog, it allows you to see how many times your page has been viewed and how many times each of your entries are read?  I guess as a woman of social media, I knew this but never really realized the amount of people your words could touch.  One of my entries this week was read 270 times.  Holy shit.  I also had several people tell me this week, I love your blog.  I love what you write.  It is an inspiration to hear what you think.  Well, to those of you who read, thanks.  I never began blogging to be inspirational.  I first began to be funny, then life happened.  For those who know me or think they know me, I am a processor.  I take time before I speak.  A trait I learned from my Mother, but didn't always practice in my younger days.  ;)

In less than 365 days, I have lost 5 people that were close in my life.  The last, was the closest to me.  I have stood in 5 visitation lines, made CD recordings for 5 funerals, cried at 5 graveside services, and each time asked God, "how strong do you think I am?"  I have seen death personally take lives three times before my eyes.  He comes quietly, and like a thief in the night, can change your whole perception on of world around you.

I currently don't know the calendar date.  I woke up this morning and didn't even know what freaking day it was!  I was scared to go to Wal-Mart because I might see people.  I'm a well educated woman, but I feel completely stupid this week.  I'm living in a fog.  I know the fog will lift, but unfortunately,  the new life before me will be a life of "firsts."   Usually "firsts" are happy.  These are not happy for me.  The first birthday party without my Dad.  The first musical without my Dad.  I know, I'm not the only one out there who has lost a parent.  It is a selfish and angry thought, but you don't even think about it until it is you in the "hot seat" of life.

A good friend of mine told me, it will be after everyone leaves and it is late at night that you will start to notice.  She was right.  Luckily, when I needed a shoulder, she was here with me tonight.  I appreciate her time because I know she had other things she had to do, and she may be up all night doing them.  I have been blown away to see who has been here and who hasn't.  When the drama of the moment subsides, and you are laying in the dust, I have been surprised who has been there to pick me up and who hasn't.

Pennies From Heaven

My Dad, as well as his brother Jim, told me some crazy stories in their days.  I am a firm believer that when you leave this life, you watch over your loved ones and you know what is going on in their lives.  My Dad used to tell me stories about after people in his life passed, they would give him signs of their presence.  Now, before you put me in the "crazy lady," hear me out.  My Dad had that weird 6th sense about things sometimes.  After my Uncle Jim died, he always talked about finding dimes in weird places.  He joked about it.  My Dad told me several times that there would be a way to let me know he was there.  So... here it is.

#1.  Today while I was in the shop going though pictures, I kept finding loose change in weird places.

#2.  At home, while picking up, I kept finding loose change.

The topper of my night...

#3.  As I was putting on my puffy coat tonight, I felt something hard in the INTERIOR liner of my coat sleeve.  Know what is was?  Two coins.  IN THE LINER!  I actually started laughing and make my husband feel my coat so I know I wasn't crazy.  

So, every small moment of hope, I am given, I will take them.  You can say it is a coincidence.  You can say it's impossible.  I say, there are two brothers in Heaven up to some tricks together, again.  How ever you look at it, I will take pennies from Heaven as often as I get them.  

Life In The Rear View Mirror

I truly believe two things about life.
#1:  God has a plan
#2:  And sometimes the plan sucks

If I have learned anything in my past 32 years on this earth, I have learned these two things.  I am a woman of many words, but I am also a woman who tries whole-heartly to think before I speak.

I know that in a time of loss, people you know come out of the woodwork.  People all text, e-mail, call, Facebook message you, and try to express their feelings of loss to you.  People keep asking me today, "What can I do for you?"  The answer is simple.  Do you still have parents in your life?  If so, call them.  Tell them you love them and thank God that they are still in your life.  Living your life "in the rear view mirror" of what if scenarios does not work and only makes your current perception of reality more difficult.

I should have called him more.
I should have not been angry he was still coaching.
I should have seen this coming.
I should have been there.
I should have taken more time for him.
But, that is my rear view mirror.  I can look at it and dwell on it, or I can look at what I did do.

I did get to be there at the end.
I did have him in my life for 32 years.
I did know that he loved me.
I did know he loved my husband and my children.
I did know he was my biggest fan and advocate in everything that I did.

After my Dad's heart attack in July, we had several talks about that experience.  I know he believed he was living on borrowed time.  He told me many times that he had things "to do" before he was called home.  I know he made his peace with his maker and I know he was happy and ready to go when the time came.  I guess that his time was up and I have comfort in knowing he had shared this with other family members.  I know that he is with his brother, Jim.  I hope that there was some smart-ass joke given to him when they met on the other side.  I know that my Dad missed him very much.

There is one moment today that gave me pride and comfort.  As I was leaving the hospital, I saw a man my Dad worked with at the hospital at the flag pole.  I wanted to make sure he had heard because I knew that my Dad really liked this man and thought a lot of him.  As I walked over to the flag pole, this man pulled the flag to half-mast.  I waited until he was finished.  The man looked at me, gave me a hug, and said, "this is for Barry."  Speechless.  That moment, with a man I barely knew, meant more to me today that he can ever know.

I'm to young to bury my Dad, but this is my reality.  There is no sugar coating it.  It sucks.  I hate every thought about the week to come.  I hate this.  I'm a policy and procedure girl.  That is why I am in the occupation that I am in!  There is no manual for this.  I hate emotions.  I hate that pit in my stomach and the aching in my chest that tells me that this is my currently reality.