Back in the Saddle, again.

If given the opportunity to go back and do something again, would you do it?  I think that most of the time some people would say, "yes."  Other times, those moments are the learning curves in our lives.

I often have thought of this poem recently by Robert Frost.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

The crazy thing is, I get to go back and take the other road.  I did take the "road less traveled" and learned a lot from this road.  I learned how far I could be pushed, how much stress I can handle, and above all, I learned what is truly important in my life.  This path allowed me to be close during the passing of several important people in my life and gave me a support group grounded in faith to persevere and continue.

As I begin my journey down my road, I am thankful for the time I spent on my other path and everything it taught me.  I will come in handy in my new journey.

Many people have made comments about my new path and how it affects them or how hard things will be.  Some have even treated me differently because they have made my decision "personal" to them.  I only have one comment for them.  I ask them to really reflect.  Who do you live your life for?  You and your family or someone else.  I think the answer is very simple and easy to comprehend.  I did not chose my new path for my friends or for any secret answer.  I chose this path for myself.  I live for me.

I have learned something in the past year.  Life is short.  You have to surround yourself with positive and supporting people. If you don't, you will wake up one day and realize that you are only a person of convenience.  Ever have this feeling?  I know I have.  Breaking the news was very difficult and it was also inspiring.   Thank you to the people who offered a hug, a congratulations, and then said, "I always knew you missed music in your life."  Those people truly know me, support me, and love me.  To the others, no worries.  I took your comments in stride and will not hold them personally in my heart.

My Dad always knew I missed music.  He asked me about it almost every time we would be together or I would talk about something in music.  I NEVER liked to admit he was right.  I wish I would have told him that.  There were signs after his passing that I could not hide from anymore.  Even in heaven, Dad made his presence known.  I even found a dime before my interview in Bellevue on my seat in the van.  I think this was a little "good luck" charm and a sign that there is a plan for me.

As my life has started to become less "cluttered" with my job, I have found a rejuvenated sense of life and a happiness I have not felt in a long time.  I feel like myself.  Free to be me.   "And that has made all the difference."

May Madness

I know the usual saying is March Madness, but I believe it is May in my world.  Report cards, testing, end of year prep, and the dreaded summer work hours preparing for another year when this year is still closing down.

My Dad seems to be on my mind a lot the past few weeks.  There have been a lot of reminders.  We gave out Dad's first scholarship to a Marquette students last week.  I wrote a small speech and made it through the whole thing with only a proud emotion of how excited Dad would have been to see it.  It was hard.  No lie.  I kept talking myself up because I knew I could do it and that it was more meaningful for me to give the award.  That is what Dad would have wanted.

I went to leadership day at Andrew School on Tuesday.  The whole building still has him there.  I could feel Dad's presence the minute I got there.  The sense of pride and happiness.  His "Androids" as he always called them.  Dad's picture is in the hallway and in the trophy case.  The secretary showed me the Citizenship Award that will be given out next week.  It is beautiful.  These people loved and cared for my Dad as much as I did.  They probably saw him more and knew him more than I did this past year.  As I sat in the gym for the program to start, I noticed the state basketball banner on the wall with my Dad's picture with his team.  An overwhelming emotion mess swept over me.  Again, there he was.  I'm not a crier.  I think people who know me very well know I don't cry a lot.  I was just plain sad, proud, overwhelmed, happy, and every other emotion as I sat there.  That was my Dad's sanctuary and being in that gym I felt close to him, again.

During the Leadership Day assembly, the kids share the 7 Habits of Effective Leaders.  It is a great program.  One middle school girls started telling a story of AAU basketball.  I knew the minute she started, where is was going.  I couldn't stop the tears.  She told a great story of my Dad and how he helped her team be better people helping them become a team and not kids from two different schools thrown together on a basketball team.  I guess it was then I realized something.

That something was how similar my Dad and I really were/are.  I believe in all kids.  100% I love working with the youth.  I want kids to meet their full potential.  So did he.  He went above and beyond helping kids.  I strive to do the same.  He took things personal from kids because he care about them all so much.  I do the same.  It's hard to be a "duck" sometimes and let it roll off when you have your heart invested in the kids.

I have been pondering this a lot the past few days.  My mission in life.  Am I meeting full potential?  Am I doing all I can?  I know life is short.  As I read stuff on FB and the news, too many times it lights a fire inside me to really say how I feel about things that are not "right."  I have all I could ever want in my life, but every day I see people who miss the boat on what is important.  I want to leave a legacy, just like my Dad.  If I died tomorrow, what would people say?  I was great sometimes?  I was there sometimes?

My Dad had flaws, like we all do.  I just see how he impacted so many lives and I never realized this until after he passed.  Shame on me!  I was selfish with my time and I took that for granted.  But now, it is the time that I start this ball rolling.  So, watch me roll.

First mission:  Family first.  I keep my family very close.  This is the first year that if my kids were sick, I stayed home and didn't even worry about work.  I love my job, but my kids will ALWAYS come first no matter what.  Mission accomplished.

Second mission:  Distance yourself from negative people.  I believe that people come in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  I have a great group of close friends.  I have great people in the circle outside of that, as well.  If you can't bring something to the table for the good of a relationship, walk away.  I will not take it personal.  I will walk a mile for anyone who I know is a true friend.  I know a lot of people wanted "info" after my Dad passed and then I never heard from them again.  But some, have continued to be there when I needed a friend for the cemetery trip or just to vent on an emotional night.

Third mission:  Seek to help others first.  This year I have had certain people come into my life with their own missions.  Currently, our school is working on helping an orphanage in Haiti who lost everything in a fire.  I know all these connections came from putting myself out there and coming into contact with great Christian people in our community that have the same beliefs.  I love it.  I feel called to do it.  This is my passion.

Fourth mission:  Stand your ground.  This is something I should be good at, however, I sometimes am not good at it.  Sometimes being "politically correct" gets in the way.  Well, I'm not politically correct.  I have beliefs and morals.  I know right from wrong.  I will always respect, but I don't have to agree.  I am entitled to my opinion.  

Fifth mission:  Keep the faith.  I'm not a bible beater, but I am a believer in Christ.  You get what you get with me.  I believe in teaching my kids the same values.  That is why I do love my school and believe in what I do every day at work.  I use Christ as an example EVERY DAY.  That is an amazing feeling.  You never know what tomorrow hold, so enjoy the moments.

Time Marches On

“There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you'd better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying.”

Here it is, April 6th, 2013.  The events of the past few months are still fresh in my mind, but not in my daily vocabulary.  I find myself talking about my Dad in the past tense and not welling up with tears.  I am able to share stories about my Dad and not choke up with sorrow.  Time is passing quickly and I am slowly healing the best I can.

It is funny the stupid things that remind me of him.  I'm a huge person that smells can trigger memories with me.  The two places that are difficult for me to still be around are Dad's shop and Dad's truck.  Both smell just as they did before.  Just like the always did.  I found myself smelling all his cologne in the shop bathroom one day so I could just savor that memory.  Stupid, right?  I still say, "goodbye" to Dad every time I close the shop door and lock the building.  It is habit and it is comforting in a small way.

Everything is different.  Birthday parties, Easter, and my parents wedding anniversary last week.  I still cannot believe it is all over.  When I visit the cemetery, it is like a dream.  I leave dimes every time I visit hoping I will get it returned when I'm having "a moment."  I could use one right now.

I have learned a lot about life in one year.  I have learned that true friends will always have your back no matter what.  I have learned that it is okay to cry in front of others.  I have learned that you can't hide who you really are and that sometimes others find out what you stand for, they may walk away from you.  I have learned that quality people in your life are better than quantity.  And, at the end of the day, our life plan in unpredictable.  My heart still breaks, but I know the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes.

Tears In Heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I'll find my way through night and day
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven

Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please

Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven

A Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us.- Oscar Wilde

The title says it all.  I often think about how many times a day I think about "memories" these past few weeks.  It is always the little things that set you off.  A smell, a sound, a question whose answer derives from something that my Dad once told me. It is all there.

One of my favorite movies is Bill Murry's "Ground Hog Day."  I don't know why, but I love that movie.  Maybe it is the hopeless romantic in me but I just adore that movie.  I often reference this movie when I think about the past few weeks.  

I re-live one memory over and over again in my mind.  A friend of mine said to me the other day, "don't you sometimes wish you weren't there, but know that you had to be there.  If you weren't there you would have regretted that, too." That is 100% how I feel.  The last moments with my Dad are looped in my brain and replay quite often every day.  It is the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed.  It plays over and over.  My own personal, "Ground Hogs Day."

Tonight my daughter was sick and I took her to the E.R.  I don't know who hated going in there more, me or my daughter.  She was there the day my Dad passed away.  As we were waiting for the doctor, she asked me why there is a curtain in the room.  I told her it was so they could keep the door open and to give privacy to people in the room.  Her response about took my breath away, "like if you die?  So people can some in and see you?"  WHAT DO YOU EVEN SAY TO THAT!!!  This is two rooms from where my Dad died three weeks ago.  I calmly answered, "Do you think you are dying?  Is that why you didn't want to come here?"  She answered quietly, "Yes."  All I could do was cuddle her and reassure her she was going to go home tonight after her strep test.  I explained that Grandpa had been sick and his heart was sick and stopped beating.  She seemed to understand my simple explanation.  And fell asleep.

During my time in the E.R. I was also able to speak with a doctor that knew my Dad well.  While Mia was sleeping, I finally had the courage to ask about that day and what happened.  Again, sometimes, it may be better not to know, but I'm glad I asked and can share some of the story with my family.  I was ready to hear it.  I had a lot of questions about that day.  It doesn't make me feel better, but at least now I have those questions off my mind. 

It still doesn't seem like he's gone.  It really doesn't.  I'm not in denial and saying he isn't gone, but it makes me realize how little I saw of him in my adult life.  

On Thursday, Andrew School is honoring my Dad between games.  It will be overwhelming in so many aspects.  I think it may be happy and sad all rolled into one emotion.  It will become another memory I carry with me.

The E.R. doctor said something to me tonight that made me smile.  He is a quiet guy.  I didn't know the effect he had on my Dad until he hugged me and said, "when I think of your Dad, I remember his smile and his happiness."  Wow.  I only wish Dad knew how many people he touched with his presence.  

Photographic Memories

I love this photo for so many reasons.
1.  When in color, my Dad never wore an ensemble that matched.  It always was sweatpants/wind pants and a coaching coat of some kind.
2.  His eyes in this photo are alive.  It is totally the look I got several times.
3.  The bow.  He loved archery.  Some of my earliest memories are of going to bow shoots as a family and learning to shoot with Dad.  It is a hobby I regret not keeping up with in adulthood.  Maybe we would have spent more time together.

"Firsts"

Did you know that if you decide to post on a blog, it allows you to see how many times your page has been viewed and how many times each of your entries are read?  I guess as a woman of social media, I knew this but never really realized the amount of people your words could touch.  One of my entries this week was read 270 times.  Holy shit.  I also had several people tell me this week, I love your blog.  I love what you write.  It is an inspiration to hear what you think.  Well, to those of you who read, thanks.  I never began blogging to be inspirational.  I first began to be funny, then life happened.  For those who know me or think they know me, I am a processor.  I take time before I speak.  A trait I learned from my Mother, but didn't always practice in my younger days.  ;)

In less than 365 days, I have lost 5 people that were close in my life.  The last, was the closest to me.  I have stood in 5 visitation lines, made CD recordings for 5 funerals, cried at 5 graveside services, and each time asked God, "how strong do you think I am?"  I have seen death personally take lives three times before my eyes.  He comes quietly, and like a thief in the night, can change your whole perception on of world around you.

I currently don't know the calendar date.  I woke up this morning and didn't even know what freaking day it was!  I was scared to go to Wal-Mart because I might see people.  I'm a well educated woman, but I feel completely stupid this week.  I'm living in a fog.  I know the fog will lift, but unfortunately,  the new life before me will be a life of "firsts."   Usually "firsts" are happy.  These are not happy for me.  The first birthday party without my Dad.  The first musical without my Dad.  I know, I'm not the only one out there who has lost a parent.  It is a selfish and angry thought, but you don't even think about it until it is you in the "hot seat" of life.

A good friend of mine told me, it will be after everyone leaves and it is late at night that you will start to notice.  She was right.  Luckily, when I needed a shoulder, she was here with me tonight.  I appreciate her time because I know she had other things she had to do, and she may be up all night doing them.  I have been blown away to see who has been here and who hasn't.  When the drama of the moment subsides, and you are laying in the dust, I have been surprised who has been there to pick me up and who hasn't.

Pennies From Heaven

My Dad, as well as his brother Jim, told me some crazy stories in their days.  I am a firm believer that when you leave this life, you watch over your loved ones and you know what is going on in their lives.  My Dad used to tell me stories about after people in his life passed, they would give him signs of their presence.  Now, before you put me in the "crazy lady," hear me out.  My Dad had that weird 6th sense about things sometimes.  After my Uncle Jim died, he always talked about finding dimes in weird places.  He joked about it.  My Dad told me several times that there would be a way to let me know he was there.  So... here it is.

#1.  Today while I was in the shop going though pictures, I kept finding loose change in weird places.

#2.  At home, while picking up, I kept finding loose change.

The topper of my night...

#3.  As I was putting on my puffy coat tonight, I felt something hard in the INTERIOR liner of my coat sleeve.  Know what is was?  Two coins.  IN THE LINER!  I actually started laughing and make my husband feel my coat so I know I wasn't crazy.  

So, every small moment of hope, I am given, I will take them.  You can say it is a coincidence.  You can say it's impossible.  I say, there are two brothers in Heaven up to some tricks together, again.  How ever you look at it, I will take pennies from Heaven as often as I get them.