"Firsts"

Did you know that if you decide to post on a blog, it allows you to see how many times your page has been viewed and how many times each of your entries are read?  I guess as a woman of social media, I knew this but never really realized the amount of people your words could touch.  One of my entries this week was read 270 times.  Holy shit.  I also had several people tell me this week, I love your blog.  I love what you write.  It is an inspiration to hear what you think.  Well, to those of you who read, thanks.  I never began blogging to be inspirational.  I first began to be funny, then life happened.  For those who know me or think they know me, I am a processor.  I take time before I speak.  A trait I learned from my Mother, but didn't always practice in my younger days.  ;)

In less than 365 days, I have lost 5 people that were close in my life.  The last, was the closest to me.  I have stood in 5 visitation lines, made CD recordings for 5 funerals, cried at 5 graveside services, and each time asked God, "how strong do you think I am?"  I have seen death personally take lives three times before my eyes.  He comes quietly, and like a thief in the night, can change your whole perception on of world around you.

I currently don't know the calendar date.  I woke up this morning and didn't even know what freaking day it was!  I was scared to go to Wal-Mart because I might see people.  I'm a well educated woman, but I feel completely stupid this week.  I'm living in a fog.  I know the fog will lift, but unfortunately,  the new life before me will be a life of "firsts."   Usually "firsts" are happy.  These are not happy for me.  The first birthday party without my Dad.  The first musical without my Dad.  I know, I'm not the only one out there who has lost a parent.  It is a selfish and angry thought, but you don't even think about it until it is you in the "hot seat" of life.

A good friend of mine told me, it will be after everyone leaves and it is late at night that you will start to notice.  She was right.  Luckily, when I needed a shoulder, she was here with me tonight.  I appreciate her time because I know she had other things she had to do, and she may be up all night doing them.  I have been blown away to see who has been here and who hasn't.  When the drama of the moment subsides, and you are laying in the dust, I have been surprised who has been there to pick me up and who hasn't.