Life In The Rear View Mirror

I truly believe two things about life.
#1:  God has a plan
#2:  And sometimes the plan sucks

If I have learned anything in my past 32 years on this earth, I have learned these two things.  I am a woman of many words, but I am also a woman who tries whole-heartly to think before I speak.

I know that in a time of loss, people you know come out of the woodwork.  People all text, e-mail, call, Facebook message you, and try to express their feelings of loss to you.  People keep asking me today, "What can I do for you?"  The answer is simple.  Do you still have parents in your life?  If so, call them.  Tell them you love them and thank God that they are still in your life.  Living your life "in the rear view mirror" of what if scenarios does not work and only makes your current perception of reality more difficult.

I should have called him more.
I should have not been angry he was still coaching.
I should have seen this coming.
I should have been there.
I should have taken more time for him.
But, that is my rear view mirror.  I can look at it and dwell on it, or I can look at what I did do.

I did get to be there at the end.
I did have him in my life for 32 years.
I did know that he loved me.
I did know he loved my husband and my children.
I did know he was my biggest fan and advocate in everything that I did.

After my Dad's heart attack in July, we had several talks about that experience.  I know he believed he was living on borrowed time.  He told me many times that he had things "to do" before he was called home.  I know he made his peace with his maker and I know he was happy and ready to go when the time came.  I guess that his time was up and I have comfort in knowing he had shared this with other family members.  I know that he is with his brother, Jim.  I hope that there was some smart-ass joke given to him when they met on the other side.  I know that my Dad missed him very much.

There is one moment today that gave me pride and comfort.  As I was leaving the hospital, I saw a man my Dad worked with at the hospital at the flag pole.  I wanted to make sure he had heard because I knew that my Dad really liked this man and thought a lot of him.  As I walked over to the flag pole, this man pulled the flag to half-mast.  I waited until he was finished.  The man looked at me, gave me a hug, and said, "this is for Barry."  Speechless.  That moment, with a man I barely knew, meant more to me today that he can ever know.

I'm to young to bury my Dad, but this is my reality.  There is no sugar coating it.  It sucks.  I hate every thought about the week to come.  I hate this.  I'm a policy and procedure girl.  That is why I am in the occupation that I am in!  There is no manual for this.  I hate emotions.  I hate that pit in my stomach and the aching in my chest that tells me that this is my currently reality.

Breath of Heaven

"Happiness"

Little moments can make a big difference in someone's life.  Just this evening, while putting Brad to sleep, I had one of those moments.  As I rocked him in my arms, his lullaby CD started playing, "Breath of Heaven."  I started singing along to the CD and a TON of emotions broadsided me at once. As I looked into Brad's eyes, I couldn't stop thinking about that little blessing in my arms.  The child I was told I may not be able to have.  The child, that while I was pregnant, made me so violently ill I was hospitalized several times.  The child that really my extended family has called, "Happiness" during a time in our life filled with a lot of sadness.

As I sang, he kept smiling and putting his hands around my face.  I started to pray and thank God over and over for Him putting this little boy in my life.  

The lyrics of the song really inspire me to know that Mary had the same thoughts as most of us Mothers do everyday.  I pray that God will continue to guide me and show me that the smallest of moments are sometimes the most important.  And also, that when you are moving so fast in life, you often miss them.  

I am thankful for my little Breath of Heaven or should I say, Breath of Happiness.

Breath of Heaven

I have traveled many moonless nights,

Cold and weary with a babe inside,And i wonder what i've done.Holy father you have come,And chosen me now to carry your son.I am waiting in a silent prayer.I am frightened by the load i bear.In a world as cold as stone,Must i walk this path alone?Be with me now.Be with me now.Breath of heaven,Hold me together,Be forever near me,Breath of heaven.Breath of heaven,Lighten my darkness,Pour over me your holiness,For you are holy.Breath of heaven.Do you wonder as you watch my face,If a wiser one should have had my place,But i offer all i amFor the mercy of your plan.Help me be strong.Help me be.Help me.Breath of heaven,Hold me together,Be forever near me,Breath of heaven.Breath of heaven,Lighten my darkness,Pour over me your holiness,For you are holy.Breath of heaven,Hold me together,Be forever near me,Breath of heaven.Breath of heaven,Lighten my darkness,Pour over me your holiness,For you are holy.Breath of heaven.Breath of heaven.Breath of heaven.

Be Patient, God Isn't Finished With Me Yet....

Last year, Grandma Ruley gave us a magnet that read, "Be Patient, God isn't finished with me yet."  I wrote about it in a previous blog.  This magnet is on my fridge and I read it everyday when I'm getting anything out of the fridge.  Today was the first day I read it and became a little angry.

Be patient?  I have to admit as a spiritual person, I'm angry and impatient.  I don't understand and I cannot ever comprehend what has transpired over the course of the last 7 months in my life.  I will continue to pray for comfort, understanding, and peace with all that has happened.  There has been good, but the bad definitely has overshadowed it all.  I just said to a friend last week, jokingly, it can't get worse.  Well, yes it can.  How can we be so unlucky?  But then, I Jekel and Hyde.....

On the flip side, through everything has come stronger bonds with many family members, closer friendships with many of our friends, and the knowledge of knowing that you cannot control your destiny.  We are not invincible.  Grandma Ruley's words, "faith, family, friends, and don't forget to laugh" often come to mind in my daily life.  I'm surrounded in my house by relics of all of my family that has now passed.  Simple things remind me that we are only small in this world and that we take nothing with us when we go.

I will say it again, as I have said before, life is unpredictable.  Just when you think you know, you don't.  Cherish every moment.  Even the moments when people around you drive you crazy.  You never know what tomorrow holds.

Four in Four Months...

My Grandma, Lorna, said that the key to life is: faith, family, friends, and don't forget to laugh.
As a look at this picture, I can't help but smile and cry at the same time.  I know that God works in mysterious ways, but I never imagined that in four months, I would loose four people in this picture. I also never realized how lucky my daughter is to have known all of them and the impact it would have on her little five-year-old mind.  Nothing can compare to a five-year-old drawing her Great-Grandparents and her saying the little girl in the picture is her and she is crying because she misses them.  She also asked me why they all had to go to Heaven at the same time. These are the questions Mom's really have to be creative.  My only response was, "true love is stronger than death.  They all missed each-other and wanted to live in Heaven with Jesus."  My daughter then told me that, "when you go to Heaven, Mommy, I'm going to cry a lot."  There are NO words to describe the feeling those words gave me.  None.  It was truly a moment I will cherish and pray about the rest of my life.  I hope that I can live as an example for Christ for my daughter and son.  I have high hopes because I know that the four people in this photo were great examples of true faith, true love, and family first.

People keep asking me, "how are you doing?"  They give their condolences and sympathy.  Others, some whom I have known for years, say nothing and continue in their busy lives.  Well, I'm going to give you all my answer.  It may be offensive, and some may laugh at me later, but really, I don't care one bit.  There is only one judge, and I know I'm not offending Him.

I'm doing amazing and feel overwhelmingly blessed.  I haven't lost 50 pounds, I haven't ran a marathon, I haven't climbed a mountain, or I haven't bought a new house.  But I will tell you, that I found my faith, I have witnessed death, I have seen the power of Christ first-hand, and I have had some precious moments with my amazing family.  Those are things and moments that no one can take from me.  I guess my question for everyone back is, "how are you doing?"

My only advice is, cherish every moment you have with the ones you love.  You never know when your last moments with them will be.

First there were four, then there were none...

There is a lot I could write on this post, but I have decided that it would be to difficult to put into words 2012.  I think it is better to sum it up in months.
February- Grandma Lorna passed
March- Grandma Nellie passed
April- Grandpa Joe passed
May- Grandpa Carlyle passed

Surreal isn't it?

Let's add the crazy.... all of them passed almost 2 months to the day of their spouse.

The best part..... I know they are all in Heaven, together.

I can only hope I make my life as amazing as these four did.

Future Unknown

There are many times during your life that are frustrating.  It may be situations that you are in with your job, things at home, your children, or just people making you mad in general.  After a very long week, I often think about the path that led me to 2012.  I have lived around the world, loved and lost, loved and lived, had to wonderful children, turned 30, and am now a principal of a school.  I NEVER would have imagined this as my path 10 years ago.
Tonight on my drive home from the 6th grade retreat, I was pondering the thought of being created in God's image.  Within the creation of love was a plan for me.  I don't know exactly what the next year will hold for me, but I'm okay with letting God guide me.  I can't say that I have enjoyed everything along the path this year, but I know that along every road are bumps.  Some are little pebbles and some are big ass potholes! 
Where ever He may lead me.......I will go.  I will accept.   I will let go and let God. 
I know, I am not perfect.  I make mistakes and am in a position that every move I made is under a microscope.  My professors always told me that being a principal will be a lonely job.  You will have the weight on your shoulders and some days, someone will throw you 5 more pounds to see if you can handle it and then laugh when you fall.
Well, I have news for everyone who doesn't know me..... I have God on my side.  I'm not afraid of harsh words, I'm not afraid to do what is best for my school and the children in it, I'm not afraid to ask difficult questions, because I have God on my side.  I wouldn't be here if it wasn't part of the plan.  I'm not afraid of a challenge and I'm not afraid to put the time and effort into anything that is an investment in my family, my school, and faith community. 
So next time you try and knock me down, remember who's on my side.  Veggie Tales always said, "God is bigger than the boogie man....."

Nothing to say...

I guess the title of this blog is a big fat lie.  I do have a lot I would like to say, but there are really no words to describe the last two months in my life.  I have seen life in all stages and can clearly see that life is so short and such a mystery.  All you can do is enjoy the ride and surround yourself with loving, caring people.

I'm not angry that God decided to call home three special people in my life in such a short time.  I'm a person that tries to look at the glass half full.  I figure I have two options:  get busy living or get busy dying.  I chose to live until it is my time to go.  I learned that from the three people that were all ready called home.

Grandma Ruley-  I have NEVER in my whole life met a woman who knew what she wanted and had the personality and the grace to go after it.  Even when she found out that she only had weeks, the rule was "no tears."  It was telling family to cherish each other and put faith and family first.  Although, I only knew her since I have been with my husband, she never treated me as anything but family.  She could talk on the phone for hours, and loved to plan a party.  Tomorrow will be the two month anniversary of her journey home. 

Grandpa Ruley passed away today.  Two months was the longest they had ever been without each other.  We joked that Grandma needed someone to boss around in Heaven.  What a great, fun guy.  I see a lot of Grandma Joe's character traits when I look at my husband.  I always knew that he was proud of Adam and he always had the GREATEST sense of humor.  We just celebrated his 87th birthday last Sunday, complete with fried chicken and polka in Oxford Junction.  If there is one thing we loved about Grandpa, it was his stash of Juicy Fruit and his obsession with Betty Boop.  My son has his trait of always having his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth when he's thinking.  It will remind me of him everyday. 

Grandma Nellie Stender was my Grandma.  She passed on March 25th of this year, too.  There is a lot I could say about that day, but I cannot put into words the experience from that day.  I will cherish her final days and our final words to each other for the rest of my life.  It is a personal experience that made me really step back and look at everything I have and my own journey with my faith and family.  I miss her so much.  I still look at the empty bed when I visit Grandpa at the care center and it seems surreal. 

A lot of people would be angry if they lost so many people in a short time.  I cannot be angry.  It is humbling to know that life is really not in your control.  We must cherish every moment we walk on this earth.  My advice to everyone: make time for the ones you love.  You can't get time back.  There is not time to be angry.  Celebrate, laugh, and live, because you never know when you or someone you love will get the call "home."